Friday we were filming a funny scene, or series of shots (found on our newly launched Tik Tok channel) and in the first shot Grayson grabbed a stuffed red dog ornament out of the decoration box. And rather than putting it on the tree in the second shot, King Ding-a-Ling (Grayson) kept yanking it off like a petulant kid!
And what started out as a roar watching this debacle, quickly faded into scant laughter and then as it drifted off further and darker still, I quickly excused myself upstairs to my Studio.
Where I cried uncontrollably for some time.
(Hudson XMas 2020)
And it was painful, too, with images of Hudson in his final days and thoughts that I couldn’t save my son Hudson to be here with us this holiday. I can’t even write this with dry eyes.
You’d be right in pointing out that I’ve been through this before with Malcolm and Murphy. And while I had considerably more time with them before the inevitable whereas Hudson’s death was unexpected, the net loss of a loved one is the same still.
True I suppose, but this time it is different. I don’t drink anymore and haven’t for over a year.
I wanted to post this last week but didn’t since it’s the holidays, a season that historically represents a time to reflect on the beauty around us. But recently it was the anniversary of a friend that was lost because he couldn’t stop drinking and it’s important for me to remember him.
It’s also very relevant to this story and I haven’t appreciated that fully until after I lost Hudson. Because suffering sober is an entirely new life experience for me. And it hurts to the point that I don’t honestly know if I’m doing a decent job of handling it.
Especially after Friday night.
My near-term solution is pouring myself into preparations for Walk 3 and the surrounding Docuseries which has me going nonstop. But I know this is not tenable long term so after Walk 3, we’ll see.
But I believe that suffering is the stuff that makes legends. And it’s the legacies that we leave for our loved ones that live longer than our suffering for them.
Come the new year – we're planning for February – we’ll be launching the legacy I’ll be leaving for Hudson. And it's just as beautiful as that smile of his...
A Very Merry Puppy Up. Talk Soon
Grayson Indiana & Luke
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Postscript: One can easily and unintentionally find themselves lost in suffering. For which there is no available prescription and seemingly no end. And for those, I hope this story speaks to you - JLR